Adventures with Cake

My favorite Mel Gibson line from a movie was not from Braveheart or Patriot, it was from What Women Want, which I'm sure more than a few people can agree with me, was not the greatest movie he was in.  In any case, despite the mediocrity of the film and my disdain for his costar, Helen Hunt, he said this during his self-depracating speech to his BFF in the movie, "We [men] are obsessed with our own equipment."  Isn't it true though?  Men are just a bit self-absorbed when it comes to their junk and they seem to think women are just as obsessed as they are.  Just ask Brett Favre, who infamously texted some dick shots and lewd messages to three women, particularly Jenn Sturger, during his short stint with the New York Jets.

Is it true ladies?  Are we just as obsessed as they are?  Does the penis-themed bachelorette party give the wrong impression?  I would love to hear from women if they agree or not.  I don't know about other women, but I find that I can enjoy a nice scoop of ice cream without being obsessed with ice cream, if you catch my not-so-subtle drift.

This whole thought process came to me because a friend of mine asked me if I could make a cake for her friend's bachelorette party.  A PENIS cake.  I asked her about a penis cake mold (which exist) and she didn't like how expensive they could be.  Sooo, because I was curious about whether or not I could make one without a mold, I agreed.

Research

Before agreeing to make the thing, I did some online searching for people that had done this successfully before.  I found a nice British lady that made a horrendously realistic one - complete with semen, some utter failures of tall pink things that looked like something Rapunzel would have lived in, and some that were just okay.  I decided to combine some ideas I found from two different pins from my food board with a "how-to" I found, along with a rough picture of what the nice British lady did.

Let's make a penis!

I only had the instruction that the cake should be large enough for about 20ish people, white cake, and the "skin" should be, to be politically correct, caucasian.  I wanted to do something special because it was for a bachelorette party, so I decided to do "zebra stripes" in the cake.  I was told to use royal blue as the accent color.

Because I am not the snobby baker type (I type this with no judgment, some days I make it from scratch and others from the box) and like to save time and effort, I chose to use boxed cake mixes.  I went with the Duncan Hines Moist mixes because nobody likes dry cake.  I mixed them in separate bowls and colored one of the mixes blue.  I was going for royal blue but I think it turned out more hot blue because I was not willing to use the entire tube of gel coloring, although I did use about three quarters of it, I still needed some of it for later.  I scooped half a cup of white mix, then half a cup of blue mix directly on top until I filled the pans.  Credit for this idea goes to this lovely blog I found through Pinterest.

I followed the directions on the box, using one 13x8 pan and two eight inch round pans.  I baked them all at the same time for 26 minutes at 350 degrees.  I let them cool in the pans for a few minutes before removing them from the pans and letting them cool on wire racks for an hour, making sure they were laying on the bottom, top (uneven side) up.

Next I cut the outer lengthwise borders off the rectangular cake to form the shaft.  I trimmed the edges so that they would appear rounder and evened out the top so that it was flat with rounded edges on the length of it.  I cut one circle out of each round cake, rounding out the edges so that they looked rounder on top.  I cut them in half, scooped out a bit of cake to make a bit of a bowl and filled it with buttercream frosting, because you know... balls.  Next, I cut out the shape for the head out of one of the round cakes I had already removed a ball from.  I used buttercream frosting to stick all the pieces to each other.  This created the shape of the penis.  I kind of thought it looked a little too much like a rocket ship, so I bent the shaft slightly to make it a little more realistic.  After putting it all together I rounded the edges out a bit more with a knife and made sure the pieces went together smoothly.  (I saved the scraps to use for... something... later.)

Without Bend - Rocket Ship

With Bend - Penis

Then I frosted the whole thing with buttercream frosting.  This part is messy because crumbs will mix with the frosting and make it difficult to spread.  Don't worry about how it looks, this is going to get covered with "skin." Quick tip: make sure to clean the cake board and your work space frequently with a damp paper towel to keep it crumb free.  You don't want the crumbs around for the next step.

Going for realism

To make the skin, I used a recipe for marshmallow fondant I found on Pinterest ages ago.  This blogger is a genius for coming up with it because it tastes much better than any homemade or store-bought fondant I have ever tasted.  I placed a bag of mini marshmallows in a microwave-safe bowl (you could do this in a saucepan on the stove), added a few drops of lemon flavoring oil and water to moisten it before microwaving it for 10-20 seconds at a time until it was puffy and ready to mix.  Mix it until it is smooth, then add the food coloring.  To get the caucasian flesh color, I used seven drops of red gel food coloring, three yellow drops, and two to three drops of blue.  The color will lighten, so if it is a little too bold, don't stress out yet.  Add powdered sugar and mix until you are able to kneed it.  Take it out and kneed it on a surface powdered with the powdered sugar.  Keep folding in more powdered sugar until it is the consistency of a firm silly putty.  It will still be kind of sticky.  I made a batch before that turned out too firm to use because of adding too much sugar.  Instead of adding more and more powdered sugar, go for a slightly sticky finish that you can still knead, shape, and reshape.  Clean all the sugar off your work surface.

Before Powdered Sugar

After kneading powdered sugar into it.

Cover the entire work surface with butter.  You heard me.  The whole surface.  If you miss anything you will regret it.  I let my butter sit out for a while so I could spread it easier.  Then, cover the rolling pin with it and your hands.  Spread out the fondant using the rolling pin.  I split the skin in two pieces because it was just too much to handle all at the same time.  I rolled it until it was about a little less than a quarter of an inch thick and spread it out on the bottom half of the cake.  I used my hands to mold it around the shape of the penis and balls.  I purposely wrinkled parts of it to look like the wrinkles and veins of a penis and cut away the excess with a knife coated in butter to prevent sticking.  Then I added the top half and repeated the process.  After getting it nice and smooth with veins and wrinkles and everything, I rolled out the rest of the "skin" and rolled the edge a bit to make it rise for the head of the penis.  I put this piece on top of the head of the penis cake and shaped it out to look like the top view of a penis head, kind of like a helmet.

Pre-Pubescent

I smoothed the whole thing out, cut the "skin" off at the bottom edge and did some final smoothing and shaping.  I wiped the frosting away from the edges of the bottom and began preparing the "pubes."


I used chocolate Twizzlers, cutting it thinly at an angle to make it look like thick hair.  To put them in the cake, I used a buttered toothpick to create little holes in the balls to stick them in.  This completed the realism for me.

The finished product really surprised me.  I was not expecting it to really look so much like a penis.  It isn't perfect, but I think it is pretty good for a first time fondant user/penis-cake-maker.

This is a strange skill to have, the skill of penis-cake-making...

P.S - If you are interested in a neatly laid out recipe, let me know and I can do that.

Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

My newest experience that I am currently undergoing is *bum-bum-bum* pregnancy.  Not that you hadn't figured that out by the title of this blog, you smart reader you.  There are all kinds of new things that I am learning during this experience.  I will list them in a minute, but first let me tell you the fun story of how I discovered I was pregnant.

From the top...
My husband and I always planned on having our first child at age 25.  I have gone back and forth on whether I felt ready to have a kid or not.  During one of my more particularly maternal moods, I told the hubs that we should stop trying not to have a kid.  Spontaneity.  It has both cursed and blessed me.

Four weeks later, I was having one of those super moody nights, you know what I mean ladies.  I was a bit crazy.  The husband picked up on this and started to feel the same way.  This made me realize that I was moody and about to have the monthly curse.  I told myself to stop being so moody because of the PMS.  Magically and suddenly, I was super relaxed.  You might not know me, but I do, and let me tell you, I am good at managing my moods and thoughts (benefits of being trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).  Except when I am having PMS.  Anyways, sitting in my super relaxed state, I realized that I had just shut down PMS.  Rather than giving myself a pat on the back for being so in control of my emotions, I realized that I was pregnant.  The next day (which was supposed to be day one of my monthly) I took a pregnancy test and found out I was preggars.

I was not excited, but I wasn't regretful.  I knew there was going to be a ginormous change in my life and I didn't know how to feel about it.  I spent the day planning out how to tell the hubs.

Uncooperative man
I have had a plan on how to tell the hubs about being pregnant since I started Pinterest-ing.  I saw a post that gave some creative ways to break the news and it gave me an idea that wasn't on the list.  I went to Kohl's, bought some toddler-sized black Converse low-top shoes, and went home to gift wrap them.  Inside of the box, I taped the positive pregnancy test.  When the hubs got home, I told him I bought him a gift.  He was excited, but went about his business of who-really-knows-what and was about to go play video games (not knowing I had a camera set up recording the event).  I told him to go sit at the table for his gift.  He whined about it, wanting to sit on the couch.  After some convincing (me repeating myself until he obeyed), he sat down.  I gave him his gift and he opened it... and stared.  For a while.  Then he shot his eyes up to me and almost whispered, "You're pregnant."   I nodded, not capable of speech.  After about five or six, "really?!"s, he exclaimed, "My *&#^ works!"  I have video evidence of this, but if you know him, you probably aren't surprised.

The moment
I was living in a surreal emotional state for a while, not sad, not happy, not disappointed, but just not really believing.  The moment I realized I had an actual baby growing inside me was when I was reading up on my symptoms and the baby's development.  I found out that my baby had little tiny fingers and toes.  I started crying.  My baby had itsy bitsy hands with itsy bitsy fingers.  That was the moment when it became real.  The little bud of excitement that had been hiding started to come to the surface.

Secrets
We told my family and some of his family and then sealed it up.  We didn't want to tell anyone until we heard the heartbeat.  So, for two months, we tortured our family members by not allowing them to release the big news.  At my first appointment at 12 weeks, it was time to hear the heart, except the baby didn't cooperate.  My midwife wanted to make sure everything was okay, so she sent me in for an ultrasound.  It was pretty amazing.  The baby looks like a little, tiny, giant-headed, human.  Just chilling in there.  Our baby was fine, of course, so we finally got to tell people.  Having people react so excitedly fed my energy and helped me to become more excited.  I already have several babysitters lined up.  Telling people was a lot of fun too.  I sent out text messages to some of my closest friends and family that simply said, "I bought a pair of shoes that I can't wear for a while, can I show you so I don't have to wait?"  When people said yes, I sent them a picture of the little shoes.

Except for one exception.  There was only one guy that made it on my text list.  I didn't think he would care at all.  Then I received a text back that simply said, "I'm coming over."  When he got to the apartment, my husband put the shoes in his hands.  He stared at them for a few seconds before his head shot up in shock.  "You're pregnant!" It was hilarious.

Most people got this picture of our chucks all lined up.  How cute is it that all the shoes are black and white?  Too perfect, I know.

What have I learned
I am about to enter the second trimester next week and I am so happy to be past the awful first trimester.  Things you should know about me before you read the list of the things I have learned:  I drink a lot of water (about 75 ounces a day), I love Zumba and Bosu but am not a huge fitness fanatic, I am typically a pretty healthy person.  Now, enjoy this list of educational insights no one prepared me for.

• Water has no flavor.  I haven't been able to drink it plain - at all - without feeling sick.
• The first trimester is basically like having PMS with cramps for three months straight.
• I have struggled with acne for about 12 years, but it is now the worst it has ever been. Thank you hormones.
• College frat boys have nothing on the gassiness levels of pregnant women.  This has faded recently for me, but wow.
• When basically everything makes you nauseated just to think of, food tends to lose its appeal.
• Doesn't matter if you are showing or not, people still want to touch the belly.
• Two naps in a day are not enough.
• Conversely, naps cause headaches.
• Walking up stairs or down the street becomes a workout.
• When people find out, they immediately want to know the gender and name.
• Boobs are unmanageable at this size.  I have a new found respect for big-busted women.
• The thought of fetus hands is tear-inducing.
• People will think you are crazy if you tell them you're having a natural birth at a birthing center.
• People really want you to eat - a lot.
• A simple cold will have you crying on the bathroom floor, yelling at the hubs when he tries to help.
• Baths are suddenly one of the best things ever.
• That little tiny thing inside you takes over your heart before you realize its happened.

I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the biggies for now.